Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
