My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Come share oat with me in your robe
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
