he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
