he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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