the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
smell my finger.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
