I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
