i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
