I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
