I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
