He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
