No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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