Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
they need to just BURY HIM!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
