What did we do last night that was yellow?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
