he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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