I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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