the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
