I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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