I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just high enough for therapy.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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