my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
