It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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