I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
