I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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