EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
