Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
