What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i love accidental penises.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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