he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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