Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
