I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
