have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
