I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
