I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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