Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
