the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
