my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There are leaves in my underwear?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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