I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
