K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
