Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
