Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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