Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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