did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
