So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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