the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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