I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
