Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
