You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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