hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
