no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
