If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
