Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
