Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
