Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
