All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
