mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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