living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
