I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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